The last couple of days I've been indulging in all things heart warming, in an attempt to make myself feel better.
I spent a nite by a warm fire, drinking tea & watching a mind bending movie (more on that later.)
I made soup. Lots of yummy soup.
I spent two afternoons buying, baking & wrapping gifts for others.
I had alone time, with a book, in my favorite room.
I made chocolate covered fruit, for lunch.
I spent an entire morning in my pajamas, doing nothing more than lounging and having tea parties with stuffed animals and my favorite 3 year old.
Last nite I was talking to my brother and I had an epiphany.
Growing up, my dad ingrained in me that being emotional is a sign of weakness. Emotion overcomes logic, and if you always think reasonably, and not whimsically, then you will never find yourself in situations that don't make sense. Life won't hurt because you will have control over it.
I laid in bed last nite digging more into why I was feeling bad I realized that I am making things worse than they really are because I feel bad for feeling bad. I live in guilt, whether I'm happy or I'm sad, because in the back of mind I relate the inability to control my emotions to weakness.
While I wholeheartedly agree with the math behind what my dad taught me, because I know it came as a result of being hardened by the world, I am also not ashamed to admit that I'm human and I have feelings. I cry when I'm happy and sometimes when I'm sad. I battle occasional bouts of depression. I have a wonderful life, and when I think about the things I'm thankful for, every last bit of my heart hurts.
With that being said, I don't feel better. I'm still a little melancholy, but I'm embracing it because I understand balance. Sometimes we have to let our minds wallow. I'm accepting that life hurts right now. I'm wallowing, and I'm ok with it.